So I've really been trying. . . .

I know this may come as a shocker to you - go ahead, sit down, I'll wait - but I'm not always a nice person. I know it's hard for you take in, but it's true. It's true! I try so hard to be as soft as I can humanly be when I'm around people. And for the most part I do fairly decent at it. But you wanna know where I don't do so well at it?

With my husband.

Nope. It's like I let my guard completely down and I just let it all hang out - the ugly, crass, negative, short-tempered side of me that I wouldn't dare let everyone else see. I give complete strangers my best side, my nicer self and my husband the nasty leftovers. And he's dealt with this ugly side of me for 6 years now.

And I never cared enough to work on it. Until now. Let's just say that he finally had enough and in a very direct way let me know that some things needed to change. It broke my heart to hear him say it. I hate knowing there's something with me that is hurting someone else - that I may be causing someone else pain. He's my best friend, my lover, my confidante. Yet I have been disrespecting him and treating him less than I treat complete strangers.

Isn't that horrible? It makes me so sad and heartbroken to even say it out loud. I mistreated my husband. I didn't intentionally do it, but that's no excuse. He deserves better than that. Intentional or not, it's still not good.

I was created to help lift him up, encourage him, share life with him. And while it's okay to be real, it's never okay to abuse that. I know I can be angry, disagree with him, and even argue with him. But that does not mean I can cut him down, cut him off, use negative words and tones to belittle him or make him feel "less than" or cause him to shut down on me.

It isn't fair. Would I like to be treated that way? Of course not.

What's even worse is that God sees it all. He knows how I've been. And I am not proud of that fact. He's watched every little move I've made - every word I've spoken, every face I've made. But there's grace.

So for the last few weeks I have been making a conscience effort to be more positive, less aggressive and more attentive to him. It hasn't been easy. There are some days we just don't click (I know, another shocker for you ;)) and some days life gets in the way and some days, well, some days I still have that "I don't care" attitude. Oh, Jesus, please help me.

But I'm going to keep on trying to improve those ugly things about my personality. I mean, heck, I don't like them anyways. And I want to please my husband. I want him to love me more and more as the years pass. I want to respect Shannon. I want to show him my love, affection, attention - all of those good things.

Why?

Because I don't want to lose him.

I could draw so many parallels here between my marriage and my relationship with God. Suffice it to say that in these changes I'm making for Shannon - for our marriage - I'm also making for my relationship with God.

You know, when you use a soft answer, a kind word, a thoughtful reply, a smile, a caring gesture, something inside of you changes. Your need for protecting your own self turns outward and you find that the safest place for you to be is not self-centered, but in giving yourself to others.

Thanks baby, for helping me see what I needed to work on. You're worth every change. Always.